Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I understand. Hypothetically what should one do after throwing up in the shower?
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
I'm also glad were at the point in our friendship where my vagina talking to you isn't weird
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
Just used an eyelash curler to open my beer since I didn't have a bottle opener. Things are starting to look up.
Just bailed on her the best way possible. Got tickets to the game. Only issue is.... if we lose, we not only lost, but I skipped sex to watch us lose
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
Nothing much. Just taking shots of tequila before I go get a bikkini wax. You?
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
