Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
i told her that i loved her pillow breasts and then she asked me if i wanted to motor boat them. so yea, i do need the room tonite.
i think i recognize dicks better than faces
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
Man, I want to make his penis a sandwich.
Also bring a pizza or no entry to my vagina OR the fort.
Cheese only
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
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