literally had 100 drinks last night.
when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.
the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.
just thought you should know her name is kristen
Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo
I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.
DOGS JUST TOTALLY ATE THE FEATHERS OFF MY NIPPLE CLAMPS!!!
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
You know, this is NOT how I pictured my life would be when I was younger, and yet here we are.
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
people need to understand when I say I don't want to drink anymore that doesn't mean tempt me with another bottle of Jose Cuervo.
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
