Don't fret. That vag would have consumed a lesser man.
We need to rekindle our bromance
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
you know its summer when you wake up on the toilet
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
He's an acquired taste, like S&M or those crunchy things they put in salads
Croutons?
I sleep texted my mom and asked her for a condom last night
Full disclosure. I fucked the fatty from work and shit is weird now.
I used my iced coffee to ice the bump on my head from last night
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
I was on top for a full on make out when in dead silence "I'm moaning Myrtle" came from the TV. Moment ruined. I got cock blocked by a fictional ghost
Randomize
