If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Oh boom. You're officially Dr Phil. I need to have sex that I actually remember participating in.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
Please assure him that the flying penis statue is for display purposes only.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
But I do cardio so I don't get winded during sex really it's not like I'm trying to lose weight
also I was promised more toga parties by popular media
Are those your contacts stuck to the mirror?!
Yeah. Drunk me tried to put my contacts on the mirror where my eyes were.
I'm too drunk to make ramen. What the fuck is this.
Randomize
