how should i go about explaining the hickey i drunkenly gave myself last night?
Im not gonna remember this tomorrow but the real money is in coke i wanna get a dark wood desk and cell coke then i can own taco bell and the xxl chalupa will be mine
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
He fell asleep and I'm awkwardly laying here because all I have to wear is my tutu. I'm pretty sure his roommate is going to be back soon so this should be fun. This is my life now. PS. the background of his phone is a picture of his hedgehog.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
Hey he's not bad, although he did have a glass eye
What kind of gift says "I'm sorry you accidentally stuck your hands in my puke (even though you should know better by now)"?
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
Side note: I just realized that I can make my hand warmers double as a heated push up bra.
After we hooked up he started to cry and called his mom and told her he wanted to marry me
If he gets me coffee, cold or no I'll make him see Jesus with my mouth.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
Dude how about today while I was on lunch someone died in the break room at work....I didn't even know we had a break room!!
I've realized that drinking at your apartment alone on a Tuesday probably isn't a good thing.
So turns out my new assistant isn't really my assistant. The owner needed a title for his FWB so his wife wouldn't catch on. I got a three hundred a month credit limit boost on my corporate credit card instead.
Randomize
