i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I do believe at one point I was dispensing medical advice while wearing your sombrero and a hulk hand
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
most of the afternoon was spent sneaking around my house and alternating which bathrrom to throw up in.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
I've literally exhausted all the videos on pornhub. It took like 4 years, but I've done it. I did that quicker than I finished college
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
It makes me feel all patriotic & free... And borderline diabetic.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
Yeah you were fine except for when you peed under the bar
I don't know what's worse. The fact that my biological mother is an unwitting bigamist, or the fact that my half sister is trying to seduce my girlfriend.
Somehow reaching for the flaming hot cheetos ended up in the best sex of my life
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Randomize
