I changed my tire completely alone.. I could totally win survivor
Its my greatest physical accomplishment
So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Wine + wine + wine + wine + bud light = puke.
We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.
I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.
He's only going to be gone for two weeks
That's two months in gay whore years.
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Im rolling face in a pizzeria. I want to be with people who love me.
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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