I want to walk on stilts...naked
he is training for a marathon but can't last more than five minutes on top. worst tuesday night ever
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted
College: when you have to set an alarm to start drinking
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
I've had 5 hours of sleep and I still smell like sex with the Colonel. I don't appreciate spontaneity.
i just took a huge shit in old main. i think my college bucketlist is finished.
Google Maps needs to have a hungover setting. That bitch talks too loud and all I want is breakfast tacos & a bloody fucking mary.
Do you lock your house? Serious question, I need to know if I can add it to my list of emergency poop stops
Randomize
