awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
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Housing is going to charge us for any broken dishes/glassware. Steal as many glasses as you can from the bars tonight. I got the baking dish and 3 plates covered.
For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.
I'm pretty sure it all started going downhill last night when they suggested I see how much sambuca I could fit in my mouth
She had sex in a public bathroom and slept on a couch in the dorm lobby. It's only Monday
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
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He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
Pretty sure I love my nipple piercing more than I'll love my children someday
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
well...I was at work...until someone dropped dead during their performance of "I believe I can fly". It was karaoke night.
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