I just left during the middle of Chemistry to go throw up in the bathroom....and you laughed at my travel toothbrush.
Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.
What's he like?
The usual. Sarcastic, dark, full of fucked up emotional problems that result in fantastic sexual prowess.
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
She wasnt impressed wen i brought a guy for her back with me, a 3am impromptu sperm donor is not a gd birthday present. Im a bad gf.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I'm off the liquor
You're forefathers are ashamed of you. They didn't struggle to make it to America so that you could become a soft dick
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
It's like the bat signal. He only texts me when I'm naked.
Are you coming down for 4/20 or does Easter kinda fuck that up for you?
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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