We should steal a little kid and go to Chucke Cheese
Im am drinking whisky alone in my parents basement. I think I just watched the point of no return stroll by.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.
For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.
i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit
No. I'm too high for this. I gotta focus my mind for my future Hooter's interview
At the same time that I bought plan b I got some Girl Scout cookies too. It's not a total loss for you.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
In my defense, who let the drunk girl run around with a sack of broken glass unsupervise?
Also did I tell you guys about the time that I balled for like an hour at a frat and made them play wagon wheel and then cleaned their bathroom
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
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