Come to the Burger King. We're waiting for you.
and thats when i went through the window and a shard of glass got stuck in my ass. the doctor said it was the best injury hed seen all month. i am a champion of life.
She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.
We just did a shot to "getting laid in the bar bathroom". I love where this thursday is headed
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
i thought you were just a really comfy body pillow until i sobered up. oops.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
now to finish some work and then i think i'll work out. or garden. or at the very least I'll continue eating frozen grapes and take more drugs
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
that lady just saw me taking a picture of her baby... It's time to leave.
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