Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
you spent the like half the night trying to figure out the puzzles on the back of the captn crunch box
it was like he was trying to blow his nose in my vagina
It's only 10 in the morning...josh is already on the way to the ER for trying to shotgun a beer with a sparklers sticking out of it on fire.
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
Before you started puking your brains out, you took a moment to give me the correct order of the Harry potter series
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
Randomize
