I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
You know you had a good time when you get the wheelchair treatment in Mexico back to your cruise.
i'm the most scandalous girl at stop and shop. i kinda have to fuck him in the meat cooler.
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
