I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
Sorry you had to hear me puke. I didn't know I called you. Was it graceful?
Down at cameli's and some homeless dude just pulled out a taser. Awesome.
Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.
Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
i just made mint juleps with bourbon and fresh breath strips. i am the macgyver of alcohol.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
The only thing I'm asking santa for is my period.
And vodka?
And vodka.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
He pretended his dick was a samurai sword and that he was slaying me with it is it bad I still wanted him to fuck me
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
Hey! Its not the first time I've been eaten out in a bridesmaids dress in a church by a groomsman!
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