my phone is set on vibrate and its tucked up in my left front pocket. call me back 20 times real quick.
He just asked me if I ever had the urge to put a zucchini in my ass.
they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
I need to start giving them away because owning 20 dildos is never going to get me a boyfriend.
I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you
so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.
Ye. Looking like it's about to be one of those mythical responsible weekends
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
That BJ in the bathroom was definitely worth the $20 cover.
He uses Bing as his search engine...but he's great in bed. So obviously I'm torn.
The prescription the hospital gave me for pain and nausea doubles for my hangovers... Maybe I'll hit up the ER more often
well we woke up in different beds than the ones we originally fell asleep in, you were butt naked, and your boyfriend was sleeping on a cot in the middle of the kitchen. that might be why he's mad.
hey can you come unlock the basement door? I'm trapped in here.
no I can't, you're a safety hazard. but, there's a beer keg down there somewhere. we don't have cups, but help yourself.
I hate being the first one to text him all the time...I feel like Iook desperate to get laid when the reality is that im just really horny and he has a/c...
Randomize
