4:25 am: I want you here. Ugh.
You work out of a Hotel?
My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.
She answered the door wearing a blanket and holding a golf club. I was too late for this party.
Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place
This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded
Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood
Very impressive. My GPA is the same amount of orgasms I can offer tonight (valid only tonight): 3.5
His idea of role playing was him wearing the halloween mitt romney mask while I gave him head
He held the kayak still so I wouldn't tip over while projectile vomiting. If that ain't true love, I don't know what is...
I unknowingly motorboated my boyfriend's ex-gf last night. Yay me!
He stopped in the middle of us fucking so he could turn on lithuanian techno music. And the sad thing is that it was the best sex of my life.
Never again will I go to my mom's side of the family's parties. After the bride and groom cut the head off the roasted pig together they boarded their RV and rode off into the sunset.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
I’ve got a closet full of cosplay outfits and horny boytoy to help me ride out this pandemic
Randomize
