Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
I convinced her last night that my actual nickname was "No Condom John"
I'm pretty sure we've had sex a bunch more times than we've hugged. So hugs are weird when they happen.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..
After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
How's my sex life is me mastubating next to her dog. that's how it's going.
Paycheck hits in 37 minutes and I literally just emptied my handle of Tito's. If that isn't budgeting like a fucking adult, I don't know what is.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Like wanna sit on your face while you speak German hot
Last night I had a dream that a man with an ice cream body entered a bicycle throwing contest and won.
Randomize
