My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
Life lesson. Learning to pee left handed is easier than learning brickbreaker left handed. Rather lose a few drops than a few lives
she said they gang banged her to "who let the dogs out." the dude left of the middle barked along. sounds like a good time.
Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...
So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."
Decisions, decisions.
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
He told me I was 100% better then porn then passed out nto the cake
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
My New Years resolution is actually to be MORE petty
Why are your pants in the freezer?
The free coupon that printed out with the purchase of my plan b emergency contraception was for allergy meds. I feel like a coupon for condoms would've been more fitting in this situation.
Oh wait. It's for wart remover. Fitting, afterall.
Randomize
