we just toasted to your mouth on alex's balls at the bar
She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
we couldn't find any funnels so we taped a spaghetti strainer to a pool noodle and it worked fairly well
Bro I am trying to have one night stands nothing more, unless she is baking waffles I can eat out of her butthole I am not interested
My hair is crimped, I am walking with a roadie, and my vibrator is in my purse. I feel sorry for tomorrow.
The bachelorette started when I opened the door and they threw a few dozen dildos at me.
You fell out of the chair and then lifted your foot saying, "If my foot could give you the middle finger it would."
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
Randomize
