God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?
I've heard so many rumors about me being taken home in an ambulance I'm starting to believe them.
It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
My girlfriend is talking to my ex-boyfriend at the bar right now. I REPEAT, GIRLFRIEND IS TALKING TO EX BOYFRIEND RIGHT NOW. GET ME THE FUCK OUT OF THIS PLAACE
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Ok thats great. so just to recap: you fucked a billionare in his penthouse last night, and I had a glass of wine on the toilet.
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Sorry I didn't have my phone all night. Did we hang last night?
You bit me
Oh lord I need to hear this story
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