i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I never thought I would get head to the lion king soundtrack
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.
I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.
If you haven't seen a huge black man in tiny red snowflake shorts that barely cover his dick, then you don't know what I'm going through.
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
You told your mom that it was your second day sober. I think she believed it until you jumped off the balcony
I feel like my stoner spirit animal is Janice from the muppets.
I threw up in a pringles can. how do you think my night went.
10 shots in she's sitting on the floor using the open dishwasher door as a plate to eat her "life giving" pizza.
My dad is sitting where you rode me
Think he has a gf
Yea that shit doesn’t necessarily stop me
I need you to know I’m weirdly very sexually attracted to Charlie Puth now
Randomize
