I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
No you are right. With a nickname like Monster Cock, you shouldn't expect him to want to "just talk". I'd be insulted too
On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk
Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I can measure my amount of vomit in solo cups.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Randomize
