i puked out the bus window last night on the way home. i remember it, but i don't remember everyone else screaming to put their windows up.
When you told me you were coming to my show, I didn't know you were bringing Satan and Brokeback Mountain with you.
im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.
frozen peaches as icecubes. vodka Sundays just got wayyyy better
if you count grabbing my crotch as an introduction then yeah i got a couple of those tonight
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"
he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
We should drive around in your Jeep on snow days and get stoned while we help random strangers stuck in the snow. So much good karma.
direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
FML I accidentally sent the text about his bruised balls as a group text that included his brother and my boss.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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