Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."
U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night
Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.
Im calling him
was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember
The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I just spent 20 minutes in a Subway trying to take a candid photo of the doppleganger of the guy I lost my virginity to instead of eating. That's all the evidence I need that my life is on track.
The night got interesting when the random guy next to us handed us a bottle of champagne and the rest of his ciroc bottle. When we asked why he did it, he proceeded to point at his friend who face planted the floor.
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
you're like an angel sent from heaven to guide my sex life into greatness
Thats so sweet
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
He kept apologizing that the nerve damage makes him take a while to finish. Meanwhile he gave me 3 orgasms and a leg cramp
Only you could benefit from a reckless driver
Randomize
