This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
My dad just told me if I'm going to smoke pot, to make sure I use a clean needle. WTF?
hey i know this is weird but does alcohol affect pregnancy tests?
Just found my car keys in your throw-up.
we need to find that guy that whips out his cock at the bar again
Sorry for drunk singing "love hurts" to you at 3 am.
I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids
About to trim my pubes so if you decide to walk in, viewer discretion is advised.
Yeah. I've decided no relationship can survive me shoving my boobs in the guys face
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
I love THIS fish, the rest of the ocean can go fuck itself. I am ahab and he is my whale
And by pregame I mean drink heavily and watch Russian dash cam car crash vids
The only reason I know his name is because we wrote marriage vows in orange crayon on the back of a Walmart receipt.
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