In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
i asked him how he could stand the smell of skunk. his answer was "it smells like good weed"...
Just talked to the girl you brought home from the bar last night while she was looking for her panties. She said to tell you "nice try".
is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
You're the only person I know who can be puking into a trash can at 8 in the morning in Manhattan and get a date out of it....
This time tomorrow I'll be fingering you
Oh shit a waiter was leaning over me when i opened that and i felt him pause
Reading becomes significantly more difficult when people are having crazy loud sex in an adjoining room
Did I honestly think it was a good idea to wear my pink robe out in public at 2 in the morning ?
Randomize
