cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
you said candy land and then passed out.
ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.
God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
I had 17 beers 2 days ago. I'm not dad material yet
Trying to roll joints on a seadoo in the middle of a lake on a windy night. -Juststonerthings
I just watched this dude try to convince this girl to go home with him. She was like, That's cute, you're cute.and she just walked away. Man I'm so not drunk enough to be around this level of sad.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
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