I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.
I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better
The bartender cut me off so I peed in the corner. How no one noticed I have no idea.
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
Why the fuck is he under my phone as Papi Chulo?
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
The last two times I had sex with him I forgot who it was half way through
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Once you find out someone has a small dick, you never look at them the same again.
i told you i was taking the Metra Train, and you asked what type of drug that was.. so yes i believe you when you say you were fucked up
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
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