her lazy eye was starring daggers at me.
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
Nope changed our mind. Decided your strange bacon like body odor wasn't what we want to smell tonight.
Finally jerked of with a banana peel.
watching espn. realized that the exact place those sportcenter guys are is where I got laid on the beach last superbowl. my sex spot is broadcasted nationwide
I just woke up to me licking the dognuts
You mean Doughnuts?
......No :(
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
At one point he was so drunk he was carrying around a bottle of patron drinking out of it and falling everywhere and every time he spilled it he would scream "THERE GOES TWENTY DOLLARS."
Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.
I just haymakered a dude with my face, can we talk about ME for a second and not the guy I fought?
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
School supplies are right next to the margarita mix at target. Its a sign
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