Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)
I would do horrible things to your vagina.
Prove it.
I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
There's a good chance a guy sucked off my right earring last night
You are softly singing to the wall while slow dancing with it. I feel as though you should discontinue this behavior.
They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...
No, the moral of my Oxford interview was "Never snort caffeine pills".
Trying to put a fitted sheet on drunk is one of the boss levels of slutty adulthood.
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
I gave a very stressed out cashier a mini bottle from my purse the day after Christmas. It's what Jesus would have done.
You're a good person. Sharing is caring.
I need to find a more reliable booty-call so I can start dating people and take it slow.
The brides mom put a 6 year old in charge of me to make sure I don’t get too drunk before the wedding
No. No. Fuck you! You can do your own grocery shopping.
His dog hid my thong. Let me tell you, the last thing you want during a commando mini skirt walk of shame is lots of wind. There’s a church congregation that knows all my business
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