just did the walk of shame by his grandma. what the fuck is an old lady doing up at six am?
Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final
He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
At this point if I didn't go to work hungover I think the whole place would think something is wrong
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
Had a dream I was doing scat with Caroline. I need to lay off the cheese at night
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Thank you for dog sitting, there is $60 on my desk to be spent on DRUGS AND/OR GAS ONLY not that food stuff people crave.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
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