Got a little crazy huh? Happy st pattys day. None of you have any idea where my credit card would be do you? How do i always lose
yes, too bad my tears were being wiped away by tits in my face
Remind me that when I'm pregnant, I should NOT post vaginal dilation updates on my facebook. Ever.
Omg. Get me out of here. Someone is playing michelle branch.
My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.
Put a customer on hold today while I threw up. If I don't get employee of the month, I'm suing.
Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.
I think, at this point, getting pissed and declaring my love via reality TV would be an improvement
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
If a cougar buys you pizza and wants to show you her newly-won house, you have sex with her. It's the law. Just being all the man I can be dude
Having weed delivered to your door is like having your own personal Santa Claus
I just had sex with a man wearing a Darth Vader helmet....he pressed the voice button the whole time that said "I am your father". I don't think I can ever come back from this
This drink tastes like mosquito repellent.
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