please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"
Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.
Thanks, college. Tonight's decisions brought to you by margs in a nalgene.
I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny
I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now
I see you're taking unemployment seriously.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
I'm cutting her off I can't have my good name soiled with these kinds of shenanigans
Shit is preposterous
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
I can't go to the bars anymore. She wanted to see me again and I drunkenly told her I was moving today. If she spots me I'm fucked.
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
I just sucked dick on a ferry