i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.
so do you, all the weight can't fall on me. I'll befriend a ball pit owner if you will befriend a drug dealer. teamwork.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
no he just sat there holding the hammer and grinning insanely
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
It is NEVER not funny to me when I am sitting at a table and I've touched the dicks of every single person I'm sitting with.
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
