never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.
How do you set tits on fire ? I swear her tits were on fire.
Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE
I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.
you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.
What kind of balloon animal was it?
I overcharge people for their weed so you can have yours for free, because I care
Got to the gym, getting changed, found a jello shot in my shoes.
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
holy shit the yoga instructor bought his baby pig to class today
Pretty sure if we keep hanging out on Tuesdays there will be no whiskey left for the younger generations or the universe will implode....tomato tahmato
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Just saw Little Red Riding Hood riding a guy on hood of a car
Good for her for committing to the costume
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