I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I got so high that I decided to drive with my knees on the way home. Where am I going in life?
Nowhere
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time
Just a warning... Flip, sip, or strip always ends in all participants being naked. Learning from experience.
Looks like I've become the Walter White of my PhD cohort.
When you're not at your house I assumed you're somewhere having sex
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I just got through airport security with 5 grams of weed in my back pocket. Either I deserve a metal or the government is slacking
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I'm like a great zombie Jesus.
I can't believe I slept with a girl who has the words shucks in her vocabulary. I'm getting less picky by the day..
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
