You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?
I vaguely remember you trying to make me a casserole with marshmallows and a can of beer.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Lets get coked out and steal a parrot this summer
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I used to think not drinking while I was pregnant was not gonna be a problem, but I now I'm like shit that's a long time
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
He walked in on me masturbating and on my phone but got mad because I wasn't watching porn just tweeting
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Dont you look at me in that tone of voice
Randomize
