u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.
Thanks for having 911 ready when I jumped off the balcony
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Halloween is the only night where I would ever end up getting a guy's makeup all over my face
Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Some nice lady just gave me a beer out of her purse. I love youth hockey
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
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