1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal
I woke up this morning with 3 phone numbers, a red Chinese New Year envelope with cash in it, and a winning scratcher all stuffed in my bra. I'd say it was a pretty successful Thursday night.
Apparently, im the only one in the world who thinks Larry King is hot.
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
