one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp
I can now tell my grandchildren Central Park has really great spots for quickies...
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I will give you all my nachos to make this happen
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
He's good looking but he really sounds like kermit the frog, can you imagine how fucking him would sound like?
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
My roommate just yelled at me for coughing. I'd like to yell at her for doing lines off our counter last night.
dude me and this dog are gonna go bond oon the tramplene with stromboli... i think everyone is staring at me... being this high is SO stressful
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Randomize
