Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
nothing makes up for a small, perpetually flaccid penis quite like a British accent
I feel choking has become trendy-- ita losing its effect. I may just have to go back to missionary to spice it up
And I think short bridesmaids dresses are the best idea especially for bathroom sex
Roommate is eating a chimichanga, watching Dr Doolittle 2 and weeping. His Tuesday hangovers make me feel better about my life.
Day 1 of "Death of a Liver" weekend complete. It came with flashbacks of horrible mistakes I made due to alcohol. I'm excited for how Sunday is going to turn out.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
Someone left a middle school yearbook here. I recognized one kid from banging his mom last year.
There are regrets.. and there are RAGRETS
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
No one wants to start their day off with bloody lemons and a tampon in the toilet. Wtf.
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
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