yo I wanna see you, bring that beard of yours
I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Every grown women needs to pee herself once in her life. It builds character.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
Is it OK to disqualify a potential therapist if she lists 50 Shades of Gray as her favorite book? Or is that a good thing?
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
I never thought the most recent texts on my phone would be with ASAP ferg and my ex...
Named all the presidents in order between puke sessions while semi conscious so that's a thing I can do now
Well, he was my lawyer and now we get drunk and hook up.
That explains the way he looks at you.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
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