my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.
anything for my little brother.
he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
The Supreme Court upheld health insurance. If that's not an excuse to get hospital drunk, I don't know what is.
You know what's fun. When your getting a new mattress and you forget you put your vibrator under your old mattress and the moving guy finds it
Or maybe I'll just keep introducing myself like, hello, they call me iane because I need the D. Applications are submitted online, women need not apply.
Dudes don't just lick butts of chicks they're not into.
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
The bouncer just called me magically delicious... apparently I'm a lucky charm. hollllleeeerrrr!
Randomize