it's a shame restraining orders have to come between me and my relationships
So I accidentally txted this girl with the same name as the one im seeing, as it turns out shes still dtf
Oh. Im drinking alone in a banana costume. Every time youre feeling down, i want you to think of me right now and know that your life is better than mine.
No one actually likes Tequila. They just accept it as a fact of life. Like hpv.
i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Someone woke me up and gave me a sprite and some pills. I put them in my belly button. Trust no one.
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Carson kissed me on my cold sore before I could stop him so I think I gave my kid herpes. Mom of the year. Just call me MOTY.
You also hate cartoons and musicals, so I will take that to mean the movie was as awesome as I thought it was..smoke weed
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
When was the last time you wore pants?
Time is relative.
And pants are optional.
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
Let's make this a nightly thing. You'll explain the Watergate scandal like you're telling me a bedtime story while I eat popcorn high as fuck
Randomize
