A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
I drank enough to make her look pretty . . It worked and i threw up while going at it
She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
Everything was going great until my fake mustache fell off when we started making out.
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
But that's fine. Because I am an independent woman who is going to pull some jane Goodall shit and save the world one day......or be a porn star......either way they are going to wish they had fucked me.
So, just saw a lady hysterically sobbing in a Walmart at 3 AM. Someone's not having a happy mother's day.
Yeah then you killed that bottle of Bacardi in under 20 minutes. So much for being an organ donor.
I need to pull it together. I just cried my eyes out to Master Chef Junior.
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
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