i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
All i've done since I got back to my room today is take a three hour nap. Like, I even planned to change my pants and haven't even done that yet.
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
next time we drink: battle shots.
battle shots or battle shits? if its the first, explain. if its the second I think I figured it out.
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
spending my first valentines day single in 3 years blazed and eating heart shaped brownies i bought myself. WHO NEEDS A MAN.
Note to self: don't try to shave your legs when sex-sore. You CANT reach, stop trying.
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
Enjoy the penises
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
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