i love accidental penises.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
Almost just stuck my dick in my bong for no reason
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I threw up off of your balcony and it must have been loud because the dog downstairs went insane.
I'm starting to think my emotional health is declining because I was watching transformers today and legit almost started crying
Sometimes self-care is taking a shot of vodka and moving on.
Life update: This fucking MacBook repair guy called me over last night for a booty call and he didn’t have a condom OR a bed
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
Fuck you, i'm all jacked up on bananas lets go somewhere
Randomize
