I'm laying in your front yard are you home
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
it was such a weird mix, KFC and penis
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
I keeping finding meatballs in random places
I just ordered cookies for delivery. My life is falling apart.
what do you mean i can't make cookies with a blow dryer? challenge accepted.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Just saw a hotel with a bunch of mattresses in the parking lot. Made me think of you.
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