I pretty much can't stop smiling when I talk to you. Even when you talk about disease and infectious diarrhea.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
Remember that night I drank a bunch of vodka, pounded your Jameson because 'you were a pussy', punched you in the face and ran off as fast as my high heels could go? It was just my Russian and Irish sides fighting for genetic dominance
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
Btw if you ever get emails that pretty much contain 'bwahhhhh jatkkvsweuo' it's safe to assume it's me.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
We can stop fighting if you send me a picture of your dick standing at full attention wearing a sock.
I'll wait.
It can also be a hat.
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Dude...are you really going to start sexting during our friend's memorial service?
Baruch atah adonai DAT ASS DOE
Are you sure you found YOUR underwear?
Were we still high when we decided to break your leg?
Randomize
