My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.
nothing says happy birthday like half a tampon wrapped in someone else's hair on your shoulder.
I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.
How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?
I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation
is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"
Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.
I didn't know whether to laugh at the fact that a dog bit his balls or throw up cause my dad was telling me a story involving his balls.
He said I gave him the best head he's ever had and I bowed. I BOWED.
Do I get bonus points if I get lockjaw after a cosmic blowjob?
The only thing about him that I appreciated was that he destroyed the bathroom at your birthday and missed singing to you. And we all knew.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
Randomize
