**** and his GF asked me to give his stuff back, and they would give me a 100. HA, they dont know I have it to charity haha
Now I'll never know if Megan finds a millionaire.
He just kept yelling woof and then threw money all over me...
I feel like I'm taking part in a surprise porno. At least my hair looked good.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
She had one of those kid princess beds. I asked how she expected to fuck on that and she just said "thats what the slide is for". I've never wanted to marry a one night stand before.
Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!
you are not my drinking buddy, you are my drinking enemy.
Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow
Some poor guy found you passed out in a bathroom stall. Again with your dick out. Looks like you got to rage after all.
Right now I'm standing in front of my fridge, drinking wine out of the bottle and eating cold steak with my hands. I am THE BEST at being single.
she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Please tell me im imagining that i claimed that i was king of the ducks.
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