Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
We're stealing the mannequin. He's my new swimming partner.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
You can identity the picture as me the mistress his wife and him. It's that kinda awkard.
i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
yeah...that's gonna come up in court
I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night
I live vicariously through you. No one mistakes me for a hooker anymore. I look like a stay at home mom of three. On bad days of four.
He totally sucks at sexting. He sent me a clothed shot of his ass captioned "I know this gets you going." What?
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Girl I'm contemplating picking up some adult diapers. That's how bad this is and it's only day 2.
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
Randomize
