I'm driving in the middle of nowhere, and I just saw a stuffed Barney hanging from a noose on a tree. Maybe I should turn around.
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.
stef broke her leg trying to vault over the coffee table. these olympics drinking games are going to fucking kill us
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
There's a website where you can order a pile of horse shit to be dropped on a persons doorstep. So that's another option.
My hangover didn't kick in until like 4pm so I found myself puking in the middle of Times Square. During rush hour. In a three piece suit. A spongebob came by and patted me on the back.
DO NOT FUCK YOUR ENGAGED GAY NEIGHBOR!
When I walked out of the bathroom and you were literally dancing, you looked at me and said 'this is how I dance'. And then continued.
I was watchin a porno and I sware I saw that dude at the bar at applebees the other night
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