seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
Do you know how hard it is to masturbate with a runny nose?
she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number
so, are you laying bloody on campus somewhere or did you go out after class and forget to let me know?
bloody. ill be home soon.
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends
At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"
if you fuck our toilet off the wall again, i'm going to be so mad.
I need five more minutes of sobbing.. AND THEN I will get back to studying
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Went to put my shoe on and asked myself why I left a sock in it. I didn't. Needless to say I found our used condom.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Ladies night is a gift from god. If it weren't for that, I'd probably be selling my eggs for booze money.
Randomize
