he puts the penis in happiness.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high
I'm watching a Sinbad stand up special. Not even drugs can make this funny.
Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
mind if i send you a dick pic? so you can see what she wasn't doing right?
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
I woke up this morning to a lot of blurry photos of a swan i must have chased down the riverbank and a handbag full of loose haribo.
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
I'm officially no longer allowed to make any of my own decisions regarding alcohol, men, or the combination of both. Thats up to you now. Do me proud.
well some coke just fell out of my nose in my partners meeting so i'd say my day's off to a fantastic start
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
Randomize
